This post continues a short series about marriage traditions and my own adaptation of them for my wedding years ago. In the last two posts, I suggested a couple of ways that Vietnamese living outside of Vietnam can honor their heritage on their wedding day. This post puts forward a more lasting way to carrying your Vietnamese heritage with you every day of your married life.
I think one of the most romantic things a young couple can do is to engrave their engagement and/or wedding rings with a meaningful message. Keep in mind that engravings require thicker wedding bands, which may not be everyone’s taste, and there’s rarely enough space for more than a few words. Here are a few romantic phrases in Vietnamese that would make good candidates for an engraved message.
○ trăm năm hạnh phúc (“a hundred years of happiness”)
The most conventional good wishes to offer a a newly married couple is that they enjoy “a hundred years of happiness.” Here, “a hundred years” refers to a lifetime rather than a specific duration of time, as you and your spouse are embarking on a lifetime of joyful coupledom!
○ thương hoài ngàn năm (“to love for a thousand years”)
Thương hoài ngàn năm is a promise to love someone for the rest of your life. Similar to above, “a thousand years” means “forever” rather than an actual millennium. This four word phrase is also the title of a famous love song by Phạm Mạnh Cương from 1956, according to the internet, but I hardly think he was the first person to come up with the phrase. “To love for a thousand years” is the Vietnamese equivalent of promising someone you’ll love them forever.
○ bạn đời (“friend for life”)
○ bạn trăm năm (“friend for a hundred years”)
Bạn đời literally means “friend for life” but actually refers to a romantic partner with whom you have chosen to spend the rest of your life. It definitely does not sound platonic in Vietnamese! Bạn trăm năm, or “friend for a hundred years,” has the same meaning of a lifelong romantic partner. Both terms evoke the idea of growing old together.
○ bạn tri âm (“a friend who understands music”)
○ bạn tri kỷ (“a friend who understands me”)
Both of these literary terms can be translated as “soulmate” or “bosom friend” and refer to someone who understands you deeply, even when you don’t explain yourself. They originated in ancient China to refer to strong platonic friendships between men, and the terms can be used today for both romantic and platonic relationships, though tri kỷ in Vietnamese is much more commonly used for a romantic partner than a best friend. (Unfortunately, I do not have a citation for either of these classical references explained below. I learned them both long ago as a teenager, long before I became a researcher, and I don’t remember where I learned it from. I also do not know classical Chinese, the language in which both of these stories were originally recorded.)
Bạn tri âm (“a friend who understands music”) originates from the legendary friendship of Bá Nha (Chinese: Boya) and Tử Kỳ (Chinese: Ziqi) during the Spring and Autumn Period (770-481 BC) and the Warring States Period (403-221 BC) in ancient China. Boya was a high official in the state of Qin and also a skilled musician who played the zither (Vietnamese: cổ cầm; Chinese: guqin). During his travels as an envoy to the neighboring state of Chu, he had a chance encounter with Ziqi. Boya played a song in which he meant to evoke tall mountains, and Ziqi immediately understood. Boya then shifted his playing to evoke flowing water, and Ziqi again immediately understood. The two became fast friends, but when Boya returned to visit Ziqi later, the latter had passed away. Grieving, Boya broke his zither because the only person in the world who understood his music had departed from this earth.
Bạn tri kỷ (“a friend who understands me”) comes from another legendary friendship during the Spring and Autumn Period in ancient China, this time between Bào Thúc Nha (alternatively pronounced Bảo Thúc Nha; Chinese: Bao Shuya) and Quản Trọng (Chinese: Guan Zhong). Guan Zhong was talented but unlucky in his early life, yet his friend Shuya recognized his potential and understood his true intentions. When they were business parters as young men, Guan Zhong routinely took more than his share of the profits. Others criticized Guan Zhong for being greedy, but Shuya replied that his friend was poor and needed money more than he did. During wartime, Guan Zhong always marched last when his unit advanced but first when the troops retreated. Others criticized him for his cowardice, but Shuya replied that his friend merely wanted to stay alive to care for his elderly mother. Later in life, the friends served two rival princes in the state of Qi. During a succession crisis, the prince that Shuya served proved victorious, became the next duke of Qi, and captured Guan Zhong along with others who had supported the defeated prince. The new ruler wanted to execute Guan Zhong, but Shuya persuaded the duke of Qi to spare Guan Zhong’s life and eventually appoint Guan Zhong to the position of Grand Chancellor. Others criticized Guan Zhong for his disloyalty and thought he should have refused to serve the new duke to remain faithful to the defeated prince. But the generous Shuya insisted that Guan Zhong merely didn’t care about small matters like the princely rivalry. Finally successful, Guan Zhong remarked that although his parents gave birth to him, it was really only his friend Shuya who understood him (“Sinh ngã giả, phụ mẫu dã; tri kỷ giả, Bào Thúc dã,” emphasis added).
I think bạn tri âm and bạn trỉ kỷ are both lovely phrases to engrave on an engagement ring or wedding band to emphasize a couple’s natural affinity and mutual understanding of each other.
○ lời thề đá vàng (“a vow of stone and bronze)
○ nghìn năm đá vàng or ngàn năm đá vàng (“a thousand years of stone and bronze”)
Đá vàng, or “stone and bronze,” is a literary phrase that refers to faithfulness and loyalty that is as enduring as stone and bronze. According to Huỳnh Sanh Thông, vàng in old Vietnamese writing actually refers to metal, especially bronze, rather than gold specifically as it is used today.1 “Stone and bronze” most often alludes to an enduring commitment between lovers, so a “a vow of stone and bronze” is a steadfast promise of love and loyalty. Another variation on this phrase is “a thousand years of stone and bronze” to refer to a commitment that will continue indefinitely. Nghìn and ngàn both mean “a thousand,” but the former is the northern pronunciation and the latter is the southern pronunciation of the same word. Both of these elegant phrases speak to a couple’s lifelong commitment.
○ thủy chung đá vàng (“stone and bronze from beginning to end”)
○ trăm năm cũng từ đây (“a hundred years from this point onward”)
○ trăm năm kể từ đây (“a hundred years from this point onward”)
This literary phrase comes from the Tale of Kiều, a novel written in verse that is widely considered Vietnam’s national poem. The Tale of Kiều tells the story of a thwarted and eventually fulfilled romance between the beautiful, talented Vương Thúy Kiều and the scholar Kim Trọng. After he falls for her, he asks her to promise him her love, and she responds, “To your kind bosom you have taken me – / I’ll etch your word, our troth, in stone and bronze” (“Đã lòng quân tử đa mang, / một lời vâng tạc đá vàng thủy chung”).2 The last four words of her response, đá vàng thủy chung, literally means, “stone and bronze from beginning to end.” That is, she is promising to always remain faithful in her commitment, and the phrase promises a lifetime of love and fidelity.
Kim Trọng is overcome with happiness, and in return, he gives her some gold bracelets and a red scarf as tokens of his own love. He vows, “Henceforth I’m bound to you for life” (“Trăm năm cũng từ đây”; alternatively in some versions of the text: “Trăm năm kể từ đây”).3 The phrase literally translates as “a hundred years from this point forward,” and it is Kim Trọng’s promise that he is committed to her for life.
○ ba sinh hương lửa (“three lifetimes of fire and incense”)
○ duyên nợ ba sinh (“karmic affinity and debt for three lifetimes”)
This literary phrase refers to the belief that husbands and wives have been joined by fate.4 The concept of fate in Vietnamese culture draws on the Buddhist concept of karma, the idea that good and bad deeds in this lifetime govern your fate in your next life. Karma also governs familial and social bonds, including marriages. Karmic affinity (duyên) explains why fate brings certain individuals into relationships with each other. Why were you born as the child of your parents rather than into some other family? Why did you cross paths with your spouse rather than any other individual among the billions of human beings on this planet? According to the Vietnamese concept of fate, it’s because you share karmic affinity with the people closest to you and not because of random chance. Karmic affinity does not refer to whether two personalities are compatible. Karmic debt (nợ) refers to an obligation that you owe someone from a previous lifetime. Perhaps someone cared for you in your ill health during your last life, and in this life you end up marrying your spouse and caring for him or her during times of illness to repay the debt. Or perhaps you hurt someone in your last life, and in this life that individual is reborn as your child who often kicks, screams, and tries your patience. As a phrase, duyên nợ refers to relationships that are determined by fate.
The “three lifetimes” refers to the idea that karmic affinity and debt develop over the course of multiple existences and that fate binds married couples for three lifetimes, though I confess I do not know why it’s specifically three lifetimes. An engaged couple may have been married in their last life and may marry once again in their next life. I think that “fire and incense” refers to the incense that is burnt as part of a wedding ceremony (though some sources on the internet disagree with me). Neither of these four-word phrases appear in the The Tale of Kiều, but the poem does reference the belief several times. Engraving ba sinh hương lửa or duyên nợ ba sinh on your wedding ring suggests that you and your spouse were destined to be together and that your love will last across lifetimes.
○ gìn vàng giữ ngọc (“preserve gold and protect jade”)
This is yet another literary phrase associated with The Tale of Kiều. When Kim Trọng must abruptly leave and return home, Thúy Kiều reminds him to take care of his health and implies that he is as precious to her as gold and jade: “Care for yourself, my gold, my jade, that I, / at the world’s ends, may know some peace of mind” (“Gìn vàng giữ ngọc cho hay, / cho đành lòng kẻ chân mây cuối trời”).5 The writer Doãn Quốc Sỹ chose gìn vàng giữ ngọc (“preserve gold and protect jade”) as the title of a short story as well as the collection in which the story was published.6 Originally published in the Republic of Vietnam (South Vietnam) in about 1960, the story transforms the phrase to mean that people should care for each other’s souls. Towards the end of the narrative, the narrator reflects that even in hard times, we should not force another person into a desperate situation, take advantage of them, or demand that they make sacrifices for us. Instead, we should help each other maintain our dignity as human beings. I think married couples can repurpose this literary phrase to signify a commitment to caring for each other’s bodies and souls and nurturing a relationship that is as as precious as gold and jade.
○ Nguyệt lão se tơ (“Yue Lao twines thread”)
○ Nguyệt lão se duyên (“Yue Lao twines fate”)
This is one of my favorite literary references. Nguyệt Lão (Chinese: Yue Lao), or “old man under the moon,” is a mythical god of marriage and love. He appears as an elderly man who sits in the moonlight and sorts red threads into pairs. In some versions, he also ties or twines the threads together. Each pair represents a man and a woman who are destined to marry. Once he binds a couple together, it will be impossible for the two parties to avoid marrying each other. The myth emphasizes the role of destiny in determining matrimony. There are many variants of this myth in Vietnam and East Asia, and this reference appears in numerous modern Vietnamese love songs. In popular Vietnamese mythology, the “old man under the moon” is sometimes described as a pair of gods, ông Tơ bà Nguyệt (“mister thread and madame moon”), instead of a single god. Like ba sinh hương lửa (“three lifetimes of fire and incense”), Nguyệt lão se tơ/duyên (“Yue Lao twines thread/fate”) suggests that your marriage was meant to be.
Image credit: https://www.windycitydiamonds.com/chicago-diamond-blog/2024/Jul/17/8-unique-sentiments-engrave-wedding-bands/
- Huỳnh Sanh Thông, trans., The Tale of Kiều, by Nguyễn Du (New Haven, CT: Yale University Press, 1983), 178 n513. ↩︎
- All translations from the Tale of Kiều in this blogpost are from Huỳnh Sanh Thông’s masterful rendition of the poem into English. See Huỳnh Sanh Thông, trans., The Tale of Kiều, 18-19, lines 3501-352. ↩︎
- Huỳnh Sanh Thông, trans., The Tale of Kiều, 20-21, line 355. ↩︎
- For a more succinct explanation, see Huỳnh Sanh Thông, trans., The Tale of Kiều, 173 n257. ↩︎
- Huỳnh Sanh Thông, trans., The Tale of Kiều, 28-29, lines 545-546. ↩︎
- Doãn Quốc Sỹ, Gìn vàng giữ ngọc ([Saigon: Nguyễn Đình Vượng, 1960?]; repr., Sáng tạo, 1967]). The collection has recently been translated into English as Preserving Values, though I have not read the translation. ↩︎